Want To Set Boundaries? Be Like A Cat
Boundaries are the invisible but powerful lines we draw around ourselves to protect our mental and emotional wellbeing. If you’re unsure what healthy boundaries look like, take a cue from cats.
Unlike dogs, who live for praise and affection, cats are masters of independence. They decide when they want attention and when they don’t. They don’t people-please. They don’t apologize for taking up space. They just are—and they’re good at it. That’s the energy we’re going for when we set healthy boundaries.
Boundaries Are Built Early—Or Not
Our ability to set boundaries often starts with how we were raised. In supportive homes, kids learn they’re separate from their surroundings. They’re taught to name their feelings, to express themselves clearly, and to trust they’ll be heard. They’re allowed to be both independent and connected.
But not everyone gets that kind of start. If you grew up with passive or authoritarian parents—especially those who prioritized their needs over yours—you may have learned that your feelings didn’t matter. That dismissal can stick with us into adulthood, leaving us more vulnerable to others’ opinions and more dependent on external validation. We may struggle to know where we end and someone else begins.
The good news? Your upbringing doesn’t have to be your life sentence.
Reclaiming Yourself Through Assertiveness
One of the most powerful tools for setting boundaries is assertiveness. Assertiveness is the middle ground between passivity and aggression. It’s not about dominating others or shrinking to make them comfortable—it’s about respecting both yourself and the other person.
Here’s a quick breakdown:
Passive: “I respect you but not me.”
Aggressive: “I respect me but not you.”
Passive-aggressive: “I respect neither me nor you.”
Assertive: “I respect both me and you.”
What Assertive People Do Differently
Assertive people tend to:
Take responsibility for themselves—not others.
Feel in control instead of victims.
Recognize what’s truly a threat and what isn’t.
Manage their emotions rather than letting emotions manage them.
Speak up early, before resentment builds.
Understand their options for solving a problem.
Communicate without attacking or shutting down.
Practicing assertiveness helps reduce stress, guilt, shame, and simmering frustration. It doesn’t just feel better—it is better.
Tailoring Assertiveness to Your Tendencies
If you tend to be passive: Work on letting go of the need to always be liked. Practice facing confrontation without fear. Build tolerance for feedback—it’s not the same as rejection.
If you lean toward aggression: Focus on empathy, self-restraint, and humility. Being right doesn’t make you better than others.
A Simple Assertiveness Formula
Here’s a three-step script you can use when setting a boundary:
State the specific issue.
Explain why it’s a problem.
Offer a solution.
Formula:
X happens.
Here’s why it doesn’t work: Y.
What I’d like instead is Z.
Can you do this?
If the answer is no, ask why. Keep the conversation going. If the agreement is broken later, revisit it.
Example:
“Nick, could I talk to you for a second? At our meeting, I noticed you rolled your eyes to Adam when I spoke. That behavior undermines my credibility and respect in front of the team. If you have an issue with what I’m saying, please bring it up with me directly—either one-on-one or during a future meeting so I can address it. But please stop disrespecting me in meetings.”
Notice what’s not there: name-calling, generalizations, vague language like “I think” or “I feel,” and emotional outbursts. This is clear, firm, and respectful communication—and it works.
You Deserve to Get Your Needs Met
Setting boundaries isn’t selfish—it’s self-respect. It means you’ve done the work to understand yourself, your values, and your limits. And you’re willing to protect them.
So be like the cat. Know your worth. Take up space. And when necessary, walk away with your tail held high.